take me or leave me
[email] Alana S
[irc] Lobelia Mitsune
ni-juu-ni-sai
Metal Monkey / Gemini
OSH Housewares/Seasonal Associate
Central Coast/SF Bay Area
single serving

another day
dream of being a successful DJ
owner of dance club and/or rave production group

what you own
toudaisei.com
naze-nani.net (down)

tell me a fable (down)
snowglobe archives

seaons of love
[anime/manga]
Azumanga Daioh
Great Teacher Onizuka (GTO)
Hikaru no Go
Juuni Kokki
Mahoromatic - season 2
Saishuu Heiki Kanojo

[music]
23 Toki no Ongaku (Kanno Yoko/ Sakamoto Maaya)
digitally imported radio
George Acosta - New Life
Kajiura Yuki (Noir, Aquarain Age, .hack//sign)
Rent

out tonight
mayoi michi
stormdragon
the psychotic cat
utena 39's journal
kiyone mabiki's journal
i make boys cry
house of the ed
copacetic
das flaggschiff beiowulf
descend from grace
innocent obsession
stupid angel
jurijuri
anterograde amnesia
shidou k's journal
honed (down)
curiosity killed the cat
capricious correspondence
basic black
illegible scribbles
non-sequitur thoughts
Ğ ? otaku blogs # ğ
[web comics]
8-bit theatre
bob and george
f.o.g. club
inktank (angst tech)
little gamers
megatokyo
okashina okashi
penny arcade
poisonwind (shadowlark symphony)
polymer city chronicles
rpg world
sinfest
wendy

today 4 u
i just recently picked up The Best of Rent - Highlights from the Original Cats, and have been listening to it on a pretty frequent basis every since. while listening to the songs i haven't heard in nearly a year by now, i noticed that One Song Glory would make a interesting fanvid/fic to Saishuu Heiki Kanojo/She, The Ultimate Weapon since the catch phrase for the series is "The last love song on this little planet." then the cd progressed to Will I?, which REALLY fits Chise, especially towards the end of the story when...well that's spoilers. n.n; anyways, this is a combonation of two of my fave things right now, depressing as they may be. n.n;

Pitas.com!

think back on Tuesday, October 8, 2002 12:10 a.m. and remember some like it hot and the music

and no, i ain't talkin' about the musical. my GOD it was way too fucking hot today inside the store. wearing dark blue polo shirt & black pants, having to go outside to the storage area and stocking stuff all day didn't help either. >.<; augh...it was just too much for comfort really.

on the subject of musicals though, there are too many that i want to see coming up. @.@; as i mentioned before, the baz luhrman production of La Boheme is playing til 11/10, Beauty and the Beast starts on the 16th and Rent is coming back to the Orpheum on 11/19.

now the only thing about this tour of Rent is that this cast doesn't have Joey Fatone, and while i don't have any serious liking for Joey Fatone or any of the N'Sync boys for that matter, i did want to hear his version of the role. ;.; oh well, that tour of Rent is also playing in Davis and surprisingly, here in Santa Cruz as well. o.o; which is just weird because i'll always remember the SC auditorium as the last place i ever dropped at during Override. n.n; just weird really.

i'm still DYING to see La Boheme though. i really want to see what baz luhrman can do with stage after Moulin Rouge. argh...must save money and pray to ticket gods so i'll be able to see it. ;.;

on another string of music, i read in the sf chronicle about a compilation cd being made called "Being Out Rocks", which will feature work by both homosexual, heterosexual and trangender artists.

while the cd itself sounds cool (featuring songs from Sarah McLachlan, k.d. lang, B-52's, Cyndi Lauper (lol yeah, i was surprised with that one too), Ani DiFranco, Queen and many others), the thing that caught my eye in the article was actually some commentary from k.d. lang. i've never really heard much of her music other than Sweet Surrender but what she said really connected (for lack of a better word) with me.

"I am proud to be a part of this important effort to show that you can live an out, open and successful life. Coming out is an immensely enabling process and people shot not be afraid to be open about who they are."

now, this hit me on two fronts. one, the whole thing about being 'out, open and successful'. now my dream of being dj is still as strong as ever, and while spinning records doesn't really reflect on my sexual orientation, it'll come up sometimes if i were ever to become big enough to be interviewed (a~h sweet hoop dreams n.n;).

which brings me to the second part of just being openly out. i do not go around with a mad rainbow sticker on my car or have the buzz haircut or am full on militant feminist. but i don't think i've ever lied to someone when they've just full out asked me if i have/had a girlfriend. when i've talked about going to see Val with coworkers who didn't know, i would say that i was going to see a friend, i admit but never said she was just a friend after they asked straight out. i dunno...i guess you could say i'm from the school of 'don't ask, don't tell' as far as being open. maybe i lack the confidence or conviction since i still see myself as being bi, rather than full on lesbian since i still do think that some guys are just damn tasty looking. but really, i think it's just one of those things that, i don't care if my close circle of friends know because i know they'll accept me no matter what, but for the rest of the world, including my family, it's just too huge of a risk. i guess i am afraid of being shunned just because i happen to like girls as much as i do guys. even though i'm not really close to my family, immediate and beyond, i would feel absolutely torn apart if they thought me odd or fucked in the head because of it. *sigh* though i guess i'll have to face those demon fears eventually, especially if i do happen to find someone extremely special and dear to me that i want to spend my life with, and them in return, and it happens to be a girl. i don't want to feel threatened about bringing someone important to a family gathering. it's usually hard enough even when you're straight for fuck's sake.

makes you wonder what a world without standards, concepts of normality and limitations would be like...

(...damn i must've sounded so like a cult of ecstasy member with that last bit. @.@; lol n.n;)

new beats: Lost Witness - Did I Dream? (Song to the Siren); Cosmic Gate - Exploration of Space; DJ Tiesto - Suburban Train; George Acosta - Next Level (cd)

early X Subaru
You're early X/1999 Subaru: disaffected and angsty,
you live with the sole purpose of finding Seishirou...
Which Subaru are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



think back on Monday, October 7, 2002 03:15 a.m. and remember time is on my side...yes i wish o/~ =P

okay, so we're doing new RP in Mage - The Ascension, and i have a character who's main focus of magic is time. now time is pretty damn fucking cool. i mean c'mon, you can slow down or speed up yourself or surroundings. you could do bullet time in Max Payne if you wanted to pretty much. you can even travel through the fabrics of time if you become more skilled in it.

now here's the catch, which applies all the other schools of magic as well. think of the world/system of Mage as the matrix pretty much but whereas either Neo or the agents could 'rewrite' the Matrix to make it seems as if xyz thing never happened, you have the slight possiblity of adjusting the memories of people (i think? o.o;) but you can't fool reality itself. so if you were to bust out mad kamehameha or dragon slave or start using parts of a building to make a suit of armor like in Scryed, reality will strike down upon thee with a paradox of great vengeance and furious anger. o.o; so i'm pretty much having issues trying to figure out how to use my 'time' w/o fuckin' up reality too much/using vulgar magic. grr...well, i still have forces as a backup but it'd be nice to know htf to use my specialty. =P

oog... @.@; next story, i'm so going with another school unless i finally figure out a loophole to use for time.

last but not least, congrats to michi, nerru and anyone else on another year of life on this lil' blue planet! n.n



think back on Thursday, October 3, 2002 01:44 p.m. and remember commentary

yup that's right ladies and gentlemen, comments are back. thanks to michi for finding another place for me. n.n

oh...and i LOVE this song. such a speaker humper song but with that sort of bass, i don't blame them. XD



think back on Thursday, October 3, 2002 02:47 a.m. and remember amusements here and there

i have found yet another Azumanga Daioh game. a racing cart/cat game that reminds me a lot of Mariokart really. you race (on white cat mobiles) while either setting traps (Kimura-sensei's on the track ~.~), attacking or speeding up when you get the power ups. i really suck at driving games so this one is a bit harder for me to really get into, and it's only a trial still. i'm hoping the graphics improve as well as the controls. they were kinda funky, i kept bumping into the walls and shite. o.o; then again, that could just be my suckyness. *shrug*

i love how michi can usually tell when i'm laughing/smirking/doing that evil wide grin thing while i'm reading her entries. XD it makes me feel loved or something.

oh, watched Some Kind of Wonderful on tv today after work. note, i haven't watched this movie in YEARS but i always liked the songs they used (Miss Amanda Jones, cover of Can't Help Falling in Love, etc). but rewatching after such a long absence just reminded... how hot Mary Stuart Masterson is as the character Watts. i swear, i got a thing for chicks with 'ttude. short hair but not uber butch is usually a plus too. some kind of coloring is a bonus. i dunno, i just thought she was damn scrumptious in that role. o.o; call me weird.

last but not least, since Godfather was showing a couple of nights ago, it ressurected that idea for a Gunsmith Cats/Noir fic i had thought of...what a year or so ago? oh well, i've started to lay out the story now so that i have a guideline to follow this time. i know this one will definately be a few chapters, and i don't want it to die like my other fic that was gonna be cut up in chapters, Misao no Ryoko. hopefully, it won't suck too much. it's been years since i've written anything so i'm sure my grammar has suffered. @.@; i'll probably need someone to do some major double checking on my work. n.n;

oh, and anyone looking for good live dj sets, go here. especially you steph since you <3 PVD. n.n



think back on Monday, September 30, 2002 01:35 a.m. and remember all good things must come to an end

and for me, a lot of the end of anime seasons came. and they were yummy. o.o i'm very tired and lazy right now and i don't want to spoil anyone so i'll be doing the short short version of a review. n.n;

* Chobits - i came, i saw, i weebled. but it's happy weeble, not sad weeble. well okay a lil' sad weeble. =P either way, hats off to Clamp for another fun shounen-like series. b n.n d chii~

* Witch Hunter Robin - it hit the 13 ep mark and it seemed like it was the end of at least the first part of the series, which really sucks because it looked like Robin was about to start takin' names and fryin' asses. o.o; either way, i'm uncertain if they're planning on continuing this one but i really hope so. it's not a great series, but i really like the darkness of it. just call me supernatural h0.

* .hack//sign - i'm sorry, at the end credits, my first thought was 'OMG! Kirika grew up and started playing .hack on her computer! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!' when that subsided, i realized that well...hack really didn't answer too many questions in the end. it had like morality and shite but...no real answers as to what the Key of the Twilight is or anything. at least to me. then again, i was watching it practically half-asleep. n.n; anyways, after the credits and stuff, there's a lil' title screen that says '.hack//sign is completed and the to be continued to...' fuckin' ominous messages. o.o; in either case, yeah i figure since 'The World' still exists, the story is still going, and althought supposedly the games and anime aren't -directly related, they are all part of the same storyline so~...i guess i'll have to play it when it comes over. >.< still like Noir better myself, but .hack was fun. i'm wondering if Sora will be the next 'Aura' or Tsukasa-like character or if that was it for him. oh well, in the end he wasn't a bad guy i guess. n.n;

* Saishuu Heiki Kanojo - this series isn't over...well yet. only like 3 eps to go but i just had to comment on this because it's just great. i've only seen this done in one other anime and that's Fushigi Yuugi. i remember reading the notes from Tomodachi Anime stating that parents showing their kids fy should be cautious since the story does get heavy later on. well for SaiKano, it's more or less for your sanity. here is the message in it's entirety. n.n;

A friendly warning from the team: This is the end of happiness in SaiKano. If you would prefer the anime to have a happy end, consider stopping here and pretending there are no more episodes. Continuing will only bring misery and pain. You have been warned...

yeah, i'm easily amused. sue me. it's nice of them really since SaiKano really is not genki anime. n.n; but yeah...just never thought i'd get a warning from the subbers. just odd somehow. n.n; really, it's not like SaiKano was 'happy' after pretty much the first episode. @.@; it kind all went downhill from there, and lately, it's just taken steeper drops really. but i must move on! i must continue! i must see the true end! weebly if i must!

* Megami Kouhousei OAV - also known as Candidate for Goddess or Pilot Candidate. this oav was a bit disappointing since, i'm sure like everyone else, i was hoping for a continuation of the tv series. alas, it was pretty much A LOT of review with a few extra scenes with the current Ingrid pilots. it was cute seeing chibi Gareas and watching the usually very cool and calm Yuu throwing tea ceremony sets at poor Rioroute, who was just trying to find Gareas. lesson of the day - don't fuck with Yuu's tea time with his sister. o.o you -will- shuffle away scathed.

* Mahoromatic (season 2) - i have the first ep of this but i have yet to sit down and really watch it. i saw the op animation which was very cute but other than that nope. n.n; i'll be sure to write a review later though. n.n; off the subject of anime now, finally had my first day in the houseware/seasonal department of OSH. O M G i like it SO much better than standing at the fuckin' register. the day goes by hella fast, i'm always doing something and walking around and i actually feel like i accomplished shit. thankfully, they only called me to the registers twice today and i'll be surprised if they need me any time during the week since it's so damn slow until after 4-5pm. i was able to answer most of the questions asked and hopefully didn't ask too many of the DM. anyways, tired in that good way so i shall be sleeping. z.z



think back on Tuesday, September 24, 2002 10:47 p.m. and remember what goes up, must come down

blah, it's always a drag to have so much fun for a couple of days, then have to leave it completely for work and an empty house. well, okay there's the cat but you know what i mean. =P i mean really, unless you're a hermit or the like, i don't think anyone ever wants or can stand being alone for too long. and after having fun with everyone this weekend, it's just bleh. i have to put a lot of effort into keeping myself busy or occupied so i don't notice it as much. maybe that's why i've been a bit more zany than usual at work. it's like 'yay! people at work! it's work but there's people!'. damn being a gemini. o.o;

anyways, just kinda kickin' back after work and doing some laundry. need to wash the dishes later too because waiting for the stupid dishwasher to fill up when only i'm using stuff is taking way too damn long. @.@; mmm...i have no real idea as to what i'm going to be eating the rest of this week. there is a ton of stuff i could use to make something but i guess it's just a matter of getting around to doing it. i could make pasta again but e~h...i love alfredo and all but after a couple of days of it. ble~h. ~.~ maybe i'll make the raspberry chiptole chicken instead but i don't know what i'd make with it. a potato side dish sounds good in place of rice but after that i dunno. maybe some green beans. mmmm...okay i'm making myself very hungry now. argh...this is how bored i am. @.@;

this entry is so all over the place but i don't really care at this point. i just kinda feel like spouting at the moment and blog seemed to welcome it. speaking of the blog, i did take the 'commentary' line of just because i really don't feel like using my old gb to do it. maybe if i get a new one i'll do so but i'd rather have the individual entry comments. i guess i should look into greymatter or the other one for that soon. but until then, it will just be entries on here.

damn Ferry Corsten, he REALLY has me wanting Gouryella - Ligaya and Ferry Corsten - (Digital) Punk. also, even it's a song i've been craving to have for a while now, Solar Sun Seven Cities. it's been so damn long since i've really actively gone out record shopping with the car and shit. i really doubt i'd be able to do so even now but i so want to. i would love to find these songs and more. i swear, Corsten has inspired me so much to really start reaching for what i want. i know now that he's my definate favorite dj, even on top of John Digweed and Sasha. i love them all, as well as Tiesto and Armin Van Buuren (both of who i WILL SEE LIVE DAMMIT). they all make my hunger for being a dj stronger day by day, listening to their CDs in the car and such. ugh so much i want to do but i know it will take hella long to get there, especially at the rate i'm going, but as long as i get there, i don't care. my dad has put off writing his scripts for practically half his life, if not more, but he's still doing it because that's what he wants. i can only hope that everyone can find and embrace that hunger in their lives because really, once you've got it, it's like a fire or light that never goes out, barely even flickers. every other profession in life, i had my doubts about whether i wanted to do it or not, but not this time. this time, it's for real, and i'm gonna fight every inch of the way to get it. so look out yo! n.- v

damn...it's amazing what one listening of Ligaya can do for me. i'm all energized now! whee~! guess it makes sense since it's supposed to mean 'happiness' in tagalog though when i looked it up, it's more like kaligayahan but maybe he was just going by the base root? n.n; according to this dictionary, ligaya translates to 'delight' but i really don't mind. o.o either way, i love it and must have it. if anyone wants to hear it, i will be more than happy (no pun intended) to send it. XD anyways, i think the laundry is dry now. lates!



think back on Saturday, September 21, 2002 07:26 a.m. and remember a night 'out of the blue'

** warning disclaimer - alana has had a religious moment and has yet to come down from said religious moment so if she goes off on spurts of sparkly gooeyness...you have been warned!! **

...I. TOUCHED. FERRY CORSTEN. i could so die a happy girl now if need be. o.o; needless to say, i had a GREAT TIME today on account of a couple of things.

1) got to see Sen to Chihiro Kamikakushi/Spirited Away again on the big screen in japanese w/ subtitles! huzzah for no dubs! XD was also lori's first time watching it, which she enjoyed a lot, as well as GTO. n.n

2) even though flo had to borrow my car at like...7:30 to pick up alice at the fremont bart station, we still made it in time, got a good parking space, good spot in line and still got in for FREE!!! XD w00t!!!

3) the 1st floor 'opening' room, started with some GOOD progressive house. you would've really dug it michi. you got all the bass trembles w/o the speaker humping. n.n;

4) Ferry Corsten spun Out of the Blue. w00t!!! XD

5) Ferry Corsten spun Seven Cities. w00t!!! XD

6) Ferry Corsten signed my ILR lanyard. can i get a 'w00t w00t'?!?! XDD

7) FERRY CORSTEN SHOOK MY HAND AT THE END OF HIS SET AND SMILED AT ME. *.* o/~ who let the weasel out? w00t, w00t w00t, w00t w00t! o/~

i'd say the only off things was that Gianni spun a (nu)breaks set instead of the cheesy trance i'm used to hearing from him. Ferry Corsten didn't spin Tenshi, which i may have possibly missed when i went to the bathroom, but i somehow doubt it. And some etard was hella all over our group for wa~y too long. n.n; other than that, i wouldn't trade this night for anything. i mean, c'mon, i got to spend the last 2 something hours, parked right in front of the booth, with Corsten, my god practically, spinning before me. life. is. GOOD.

a couple of last minutes comments; after Corsten had finished his set and was about to put on an encore song, the room right next to us was playing Out of the Blue, and he made this cute lil' pout face. XD my god, i never knew Corsten was so CUTE! damn...too bad he's taken. n.n;

and michi...


What 8-Bit Theatre character are you? at LeetAssQuotes. NecroVMX


until tiesto, adieu~. *goes to take a shower to take off the funk and hopefully some of the afterglow* n.n;



think back on Friday, September 20, 2002 11:29 a.m. and remember ready steady go!

poor blog-chan, been avoided for almost a week now. *patpat* been a bit busy with the whole wedding thing, work, maintaining the house/cat and all. so i'll try to cover the important stuff that i remember.

[wedding] so the wedding was last week on sat. there was a slight problem beforehand with my mom's dress but other than that, it was cool. basically, my mom got married in her friend's garden (english style) and didn't want to have a train dragging on the walkway, so she asked the shop to tie it up into a french bustle or something. unfortunately, 30mins before the actual ceremony, we discovered that it wasn't tied up. i guess usually they have someone go in during the fitting to see how it's tied just in case, but no one had gone so it took 5 of us that ½hr to figure it out. after that though, smooth sailing. i felt a bit out of place since it was mostly my mom's friends from work and just close family. i just kinda ended up kinda keeping to myself for the most part. the food from theo's, where the reception was held, was GREAT. comparable to shadowbrooke definately. everyone there got more pissed than me on all the wine and champagne. n.n; i dunno, maybe one of these days i'll be able to appreciate wine more but for now, it's all mixed drinks and malt beverages baby. o.o but yeah, like i said before, while it's kinda hard for me to 'hang out' with dave like i do with my dad, i know he's a nice guy and will treat my mom good. if not, i have an array of weapons to take care of that. XD *coughahem*

since mon, they've been away in hawaii and will be there until oct 4, so if anyone wants to have another bbq or anything just lemme know. o.o got a couple of new dvds to keep myself distracted (Monsters, Inc. wai! Empire Records wai! Fantasia Anthology wai!), not to mention all the anime to be d/l'd. finished Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai, which suprisingly had a very cute and happy ending considering it's GAINAX for pete's sake. i guess the antidepressants are starting to kick in finally. o.o; picked up a few new series, Futari H, which is yes ecchi but it's pretty softcore from what i've seen so far, and it's funny in that cute way, and then Kaze no Yojimbo, which a lot of people seem to compare to Cowboy Bebop, which i can kinda see but it's more like an HK movie, where you have the loner uber fighter that ends up in a small town seperated by 'train tracks', with different 'organizations' on the seperate sides. i've watched up to 5 and am still a little lost but i'm gonna keep watching. i want to pick up Psychic Academy, which is done by the same guy who does Futari H, but it's a lil' difficult finding it. o.o; oh well.

as for work, it's been kinda frustrating really because it's been pretty damn slow ever since summer ended at the registers. really, i can only clean the register and face the candy and soda so many times a day. @.@; but thankfully, since they re-read my review and saw that i was hoping to get some time on the floor as well as the register, they're going to be putting me on the floor in housewares/seasonal FULL TIME starting the 29th. XD i know that register/counter is where i have a lot more of my experience but i like getting away from it from time to time. there's usually always -SOMETHING- to do on the floor, and i like to keep busy. makes the time go by so~ much faster. and i'll be moving around more thank god, i swear, i thought i'd die from becoming lethargic. i guess the only thing about it is learning about all the cleaning products and crap to answer peoples' questions. eh more knowledge never hurts i guess though.

anywho, tonight is FERRY CORSTEN!!!! XD WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! sooooooooooo excited, you do not understand. *.* Ferry Corsten is like my dj/trance idol. i'm so thrilled i'm finally going to hear him LIVE. OMFG it's gonna be so SWEET!!! even if i don't have room to dance, it'll still be SWEET!!! before that though, i'm hoping to squeeze in a viewing of Sen to Chihiro/Spirited Away in palo alto. Lori hasn't seen it yet but loves Miyazaki/Ghibli films so it'd be cool if she could see it on the big screen, dubbed or not. anyhow, i'm gonna wash the car some. poor thing is needing it. n.n;



think back on Saturday, September 14, 2002 12:17 a.m. and remember tomato suki desu ka~?

while i like tomatos as much as the next person, i've finally played the Azumanga Daioh snowball fight and beach volleyball game and am thoroughly amused. XD

i think michi mentioned the snowball game before but for those who don't know, you can play as either Chiyo or Ayumu/Osaka, and you have to defend a statue of 'Chiyo otousan'/the weird evil looking cat from the rest of the gang, including Kurosawa-sensei, Yukari-sensei, Kimura-sensei and his Mrs. Love Wife Bento. n.n; there are i think 10 different stages and when you hit an 'enemy', you have the opportunity to take their 'power' (multi-snowball throw, hail mary throw, huge snowball of DOOM, etc.). it's not hard but with Chiyo and Osaka as your main characters, i really doubt they could make it that hard. o.o;

then there's the beach volleyball game, which (sorry boys) is not uber-fanservice DoA like beach volleyball. =P it's 2d so you don't have to worry about the entire court, just be far/near enough to hit the ball. you have your basic bump/set/spike moves, then there are super serves and spikes you can do, but i haven't really figured out how to do any of them consistenly except for Sakaki's uberjump serve. you have pretty much the whole gang to choose from this time except for Kaorin and the teachers but they're still there as point judges. i'm not exactly sure how they judge points still but as long as you get them it's all good. you want to be the first team to get to 100 points to win the set, then win 2 sets to win the match. definately a bit harder than the snowball game since it requires a bit more strategy and hand-eye coordination but is just as fun. i think one of the most entertaining things i noticed is that when Sakaki misses or messes up at all, poor Kaorin looks utterly shocked on the side. n.n;

and now for your Azumanga Daioh randomness...

/\  /\
/  \/  \
/<()><()>\
ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ

Chiyo otousan hat, y'know you want one. XD



think back on Wednesday, September 11, 2002 12:36 a.m. and remember something's got to give, take 2

for those who saw the last entry and actually bother to look at the info column to the left of the pic, you can pretty much assume that **the first change i was considering** went through. it went surprisingly smooth to my disbelief. and then today came around and the reality of it settled in. i really don't feel like going into detail about it on here because in the end, it really doesn't matter. what's done is done, i don't plan on changing back anytime soon, even though i might want to and could possibly lose that chance in the meantime. who knows? surely not me. all i know is that i need this right now, and i'm sorry it turned out this way.

in other news, mom is getting remarried this weekend, and my brother next month. i know i've mentioned this before but i guess i just want to say it again. while i don't think that the people my mom and bro chose are 'bad' people, i just find myself unable to really relate to them, thus making it difficult for me to get along well with them. i'm polite and all but that's about it.

meh...really, i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever have a 'good' relationship, much less get married. **this is in regards to ALL of my relationships, past, present and future. basically, i'm just wondering if i'll ever be able to commit myself to someone that much and have them commit just as much in return. i am in no ways perfect when it comes to relationships, either friendship or romatic. i never claimed to be and probably never will claim to be because you can't say that you'll fit exactly to every single person you come across.** honestly, i can't see it right now but how many people can? i can see now why a lot of people start getting immersed in material things such as career, work and money, rather than wanting the relationship and marriage. it's a huge fucking responsibility accepting someone that way. all the nuture and care you take upon yourself to maintain a relationship is like a preparation for the even larger responsibility of a child, should you have one. i guess a relationship and significant other isn't something frivolous that you can just pop in every once in a while and things will be okay. or at least in my eyes. i guess everyone has they're own definition as to what a relationship is, what they want out of it and where/how far they want it to go. then there's the actual effort behind those ideas, and on top of that, trust. fuck, forget rubic's cubes, riddles and codes...love and relationships have to be one of the hardest and grueling puzzles of all time, apart from maybe finding out what you live for. too bad there's still the risk if you use your 'ask the audience, 50/50 and/or call a friend'.

**last little bit, this is MY journal. and i'm fully aware that people can and will read it, and of course take it as they will and form opinions of their own. but basically, this is my canvas for me to paint whatever the hell i'm feeling at the time. if you have a problem with something i post, tell me but i won't guarantee that i'll change or delete anything because these ARE MY FEELINGS. changing them on here is like denying myself the truth i'm feeling. why the hell would i want to lie to myself? or to my friends for that matter? we go around everyday painting this facade for people we come across and i would really hate for that to extend here. if it seriously starts to be a problem, then i guess i'll have to move it elsewhere. until then, adieu.**

edited thu, 9/12/02 12:44pm